To my dearest Kristina,
I know it has been a stressful day for you, and I have told you things that you didn't want to know. But I want to tell you a lot of things, and I know you don't want to her them come from me.
You are the most wonderful person that I know, and over the past few months I have yes, fallen in love with you, it is not easy for me, and I know you don't want me. But you are the reason I go to work, you are the main reason I keep going, you make me want to be a better person, to better my self. To want to succeed at life, not like I have been doing for the last 3 years. I am sorry you had to hear this, but your news of looking for a new job at home, broke my heart. In a small way, I knew it was coming but it still makes me cry. On the way home I was thinking, I am glad that I am going to get this out, I need to get this out, sorry.
My life has been utter hell, then when I met you there was a ray of sunshine every time we talked or hung around. You make me feel like I can do anything, you make me feel like It is possible to be happy in my own skin. I often find my self thinking about you, not that your sexy or how hot you looked today, it is often what you are doing at that very moment in time, or if you are feeling better, or getting enough to eat, or if your warm, I am thrilled to talk to you, excited when you text me, and always looking forward to when we get to just hang out.
There are many things I notice, and don't say, but with my truncated time I have with you, I feel like you need to know everything. Here is a small list of things I notice,
Your smile
The way you drop the F bomb when you are so frustrated with something
The way you walk
The sparkle in your eyes when you are happy
The way you like your bad ass, med with 4 pumps of honey and creamer
All the crap you pack in your bag, then dump it out and try to organize it
When you skip, makes me laugh
When you pack a big bottle of vodka around the liquor store
Your kindness
Your generosity
Your love of animals large and small
Even the little hair sticking up, and the grays on the sides
And your cute ears
Your passion for movies, but that is no secret
How everything has to match
And how you can walk up to a stranger and start up a conversation
There are many more but I can't think of them right now. I have had many pet names for you, and they are all based in love and respect and gratefulness for you, sunshine, beautiful, and baby. i love your hugs and love to hold you even if it is just for a moment. It is pure heaven for me, it is a hope that life can be different.
I would want to be your significant other more than anything, but I also know that you wouldn't go for it, even for the short time you're going to be here. I know steve is your love, and will be, I know that you're going to go home, to get away from this. But I understand that I really do, they will be able to support you better than I ever could. Family is important I know that very well. Mine mean a lot to me.
There are many things wrong with me, black marks if you will, my income, my living situation, my girls, and others. I would have hoped you could look past that, most of that can change, and I am working on changing it.
You're not messed up, you're not hopeless, you need to open your heart to someone else, but you are torturing yourself. I know about it, I did that for 3 years, I know now it is not how to live, even if you think you can't let someone get close to you and you never want to feel that way again. When things go right it is the best damn feeling in the world, the high of that someone, who loves you in a way that is unique, honest, and utter unconditional love. The joy of coming home to that person, and the utter happiness just to be around that person. The intimacy just the touch on the shoulders, the kiss on the cheek. There is so much more. Sometimes we are so focused on what has happened in the past that we forget to forgive and move on, and live.
I have heard somewhere, that if you love someone enough, that you have to let them go, well it looks like I have to do it with you, it breaks my heart to say that especially you. you have saved me, my life and my sanity, I will be eternally grateful for everything you have done for me. I just wish I could do more for you. Kristina I still want you as my friend, I hope you will take me as one
Im sorry you had to read this, but this is not to pressure you or to trap you, or anything like that, it is how I feel, and I wanted you to know. I am and always will be your friend, even if life leads us down different paths.
I know you may not want to talk to me after you read this but I will Love you Unconditionally for as long as you live.
Love you Kristina, forever
Christopher
